Rusty Kitties
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: Basically, my cat sets a strange plan into motion, bringing Duo together with his family as well as plenty of odd little side plots and more main plots... This seems like something I should have been drunk to have written.


I have nothing to say, anymore, in these opening paragraphs I've gotten so used to writing... So, on with other things.  
  
Duo glanced around, remaining silent for a while before continuing. "So... See... The cat told me to go to that house. We've gotta go!" The other gundam pilots stared at Duo as if he were insane. "Hey!! I'm serious! Look, can we just check it out?" Wufei was the only one daring enough to answer the question. "Only if you promise to tell me what size straight jacket you wear." Duo shot a glare at the chinese pilot, and then made and locked eye contact with Quatre. "C'mon, Quatre. You want to go, right?" Quatre began to sweat. "Right?" Duo repeated. "I... Uh..." Quatre sweated more heavily. "I... OKAY! I'll go, just stop that!!"  
  
Duo grinned and knew he'd already won. If Quatre went, Trowa would go, and if three of the five pilots went, Heero would go in case something went wrong, and if everyone else was going, Wufei wouldn't stay behind. "Good. Let's go!" Duo shouted, and jumped to his feet. "Shouldn't we pack in case, somehow, the cat gave us a good lead?" Trowa asked, half-joking. "Good idea. We'll pack only the necessities! A few changes of clothes, a toothbrush and toothpaste, the refrigerator, only the absolute basics."  
  
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Once everything had been packed and loaded into Quatre's neon-hot-pink jeep, and the gundam pilots were all seated and buckled, Quatre started up the car and popped a Cledus T.Judd cd into the cd player. "Quatre! Do we have to listen to that?" Wufei asked, and then cursed loudly as Quatre nodded his head. A few miles down the road, Duo began digging through his backpack. "Aha!" He shouted as he pulled a cb radio from the deepest, darkest depths of the backpack. "What? Duo... I wanna listen to my cd!" Quatre pouted. "Plenty of time for that later." Duo said as he pulled a screwdriver and several screws from his backpack.  
  
"What ever happened to the absolute basics?" Trowa muttered. "This is absolutely necessary!" Duo replied as he finished installing the radio and prepared to talk. "Let's see..." Duo mumbled as he went through the different channels. "Let's try this one. Hello? Anyone there? I'm... To Myself." Duo grinned as Quatre shot him a confused glance. After a while, a voice came over the radio. "Hello To Myself." Duo snickered. "Hiya. Who's this?" Duo asked. "This is Corroded Screw."  
  
Duo glanced at Quatre. "Nuh-uh." Duo intensified his stare. "No! NO! Okay, fine!!!" Quatre glared at Duo and grabbed the radio. "Hmmm... Hello, Corroded Screw. This is... Candy Crutch." (By the way, in case you can't figure out the stupid names, the bad guy in Joy Ride was Rusty Nail, and the guy pretending to be a girl used the handle Candy Cane... Thus, Corroded Screw and Candy Crutch.) "Hello, Candy Crutch... You sound pretty hot..." Corroded Screw replied. "Hey! I'm a guy! I don't even sound that much like a girl!"  
  
After a moment of static... "I know. But then, girls aren't my type." Quatre blinked repeatedly at the radio. "Uh... Duo? Your turn again..." Duo glared at Quatre yet again. "FINE! I hate that look!" Quatre sighed, then resumed talking to Corroded Screw. "Um... Well..." Corroded Screw cut him off with, "Do you like guys?" Quatre nudged Duo with his elbow. "What do I say?" Duo shrugged. "Tell him the truth." Quatre nodded. "That you're gay." Duo snickered. "Hey! How do you know? I MEAN, uh, I am not!" Duo rolled his eyes and pointed at the radio.  
  
"Uh... Yeah, Corroded Screw, I do..." Quatre glared at Duo. "But... Um... I've already got a boyfriend." "You do? Who is he?" Quatre opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't think of a name. Trowa saw his dilemma and grabbed the radio. "I am. I'm... Uh..." Duo nudged Trowa with his elbow, pointed at an old woman they passed, and used his free hand to hold down the button on the radio. "What's that?" Duo whispered. Trowa shrugged. "Old woman." Duo let go of the button and laughed as Trowa figured out what he'd done. "DAMMIT!"  
  
"Old Woman? Odd handle for a guy to have..." Corroded Screw said. "Now... What about the other two? Who're they?" Five pairs of eyes went wide. "He knows who and where we are!" Wufei shouted as he turned to look out the back window. There was only one other vehicle in sight, a large semi. "Oh no! He could be ANYWHERE! We don't even know what he drives, how are we supposed to defend ourselves against him if he turns out to be a killer or something??"  
  
Heero was the only one who could control himself enough to think rationally. "Well, if he always uses a cb radio, he probably drives a semi..." He concluded. "Old Woman... I can't let you have my Candy Crutch, so I'm just gonna have to kill you." Trowa's eyes went wide. "You can't kill me!" He yelled, holding down the button. "What? I didn't say I was going to kill you... I said I was gonna... Uh... Call you! Yeah, call you. So just pull over, and we'll talk about this..."  
  
Trowa sighed a sigh of relief. "Good, for a second I thought you said you were going to kill me..." He let go of the button. "Quatre, pull over, let's tell him the truth." Quatre nodded. "Okay." The jeep pulled to the side of the road, as did the semi... But the semi kept moving. The gundam pilots all got out of the jeep, and Duo took the radio with him for some odd reason. The pilots stood to the side of the jeep, waiting for Corroded Screw to stop, but he never did... Instead he crashed into the jeep, totaling it.  
  
"HEY! You ARE trying to kill us!!" Quatre yelled into the radio. "Uh... N-no... I'm not! I.. Uh... Faulty brakes! Just let me slow down a bit, then I'll back up, and we can talk..." Quatre shrugged. "Okay, as long as it was an accident." Then a monkey slammed into Quatre, and fell over. "OOH OOH! AAH AAH! EEEEEEH!" The monkey screeched at Quatre, then it stood up and ran off. "Is it just me... Or was that monkey dressed like a doctor?" Duo asked, raising an eyebrow. "Let's follow it." Heero suggested, and they did so. By the time Corroded Screw could back up, they had already gone.  
  
"Wait for us, monkey!" Trowa shouted. "It would be injust to leave us here!" Wufei added. Eventually the monkey stopped when it came to a stop sign, and the gundam pilots eventually caught up to it. "Hey... You know where we can find a car, monkey?" Duo asked. "OOH OOH! AAH AAH! EEEEEEH!" The monkey responded, and then a blue dodge durango pulled up. "That was... Odd... See! The monkey must know the cat!" Duo said, grinning. "Whatever... Let's just see if they'll let us in." Heero instructed.  
  
"Hey! HEY! Duo!" The 14 year old boy in the passenger seat yelled as he opened the door. "What are you doing??" His mother, the driver, asked. "Well, in case you haven't noticed, the gundam pilots are here with Dr. Monkey." Duo glanced at Dr. Monkey, then returned his gaze to the boy. "Uh... How do you know me?" The boy grinned. "'Cause this is MY fic, I know everybody in it. By the way, I'm Bobby." Duo nodded. "Nice to meet ya. Can we get a ride?" The boy nodded his head. "Of course ya can! Where do ya wanna go?"  
  
"Well..." Duo began, and then he revealed his dream about the talking cat. "What?! That's my house! And my cat!" Bobby exclaimed, and then leaned into the durango. "Mom? Can they come with us? Pleeeeeease? I'll NEVER forgive you if you don't let 'em! And if you don't, I'll just get out here and lead them home anyways! The only difference is it'll take longer that way." The mom sighed and said they could. "Haha! Good... Wufei, front seat. Quatre, middle seat, middle row. Trowa, right next to Quatre. Heero, far left back row, I go in the middle seat in the back row, and Duo sits to the right of me."  
  
And so, Bobby, quite content with two VERY cute gundam pilots sitting next to him in a confined space, grinned and began work on some evil scheme or another. Once they arrived at their destination, everyone piled out of the durango and walked inside, with the exception of Bobby's lil' brother, who was carried in. "So... Why'd my cat want you to come here?" Bobby asked. "Uh... Well, he said it was to further the plot of the story and give the author something to do... But I think it goes deeper than that. I think there's something here that will tell me a bit about my family..." Duo replied.  
  
"Hmmm... I don't know if there's anything like that here, but yer staying here whether there is or not. 'Kay?" Duo blinked. "Um... I guess so. Damn! I just remembered, Corroded Screw took out all of my clothes and stuff when he hit Quatre's jeep..." Quatre sniffled. "Do you know how hard it was to get that jeep exactly the way I wanted it? I had to have the neon hot pink paint custom made..." Wufei snickered. "No, really?" He asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "I don't even know why you'd want a car that color, let alone a jeep."  
  
Bobby glared at Wufei. "Sh'tup, Wu-man. The jeep is COOL, gundammit!" Wufei's eyes went wide. "Oh no... Two people calling me that... I'll never survive! I... I need to get out of here!" Bobby looked around. "We have Klondike Bars, you know." Wufei directed his attention on Bobby. "What? Really? Where?" Bobby grinned. "We have a few in the freezer... And there are plenty more at the grocery store."  
  
Then there was a double clicking sound, and Bobby leaped into Duo's lap. "SHIT! Another one!" The gundam pilots, with the exception of Duo who was staring at Bobby in surprise, began searching the area for a threat. "You'll never find it if you look that high... Look there!" Bobby yelled, pointing at something a few feet away from Trowa, on a short table in the middle of the room. "A scorpion?" Trowa asked. "Yeah! They're everywhere! And what's worse, they aren't just getting into the house... They're up there in the ceiling, multiplying and growing... And still more live just under the carpet... There are more out back, there are rattlesnakes down the driveway, and there's a mountain lion just behind our property that walks down here..."  
  
Trowa shuddered and squashed the scorpion. "All that? This must be a pretty rotten place to live..." Bobby nodded his head. "Yeah... And don't forget, there are spiders, too..." Bobby finally noticed Duo blushing, and hopped off of his lap onto the couch next to him. "Sorry..." Then Tobit, Bobby's cat, ran into the room and hopped onto the table, facing Duo. Then, to the amazement of all, he began to speak. "Duo... I've called you here to further the story, and for a few other random reasons, too. If you wish to know about your family... You must endure other stupid ripoffs of good movies and other things like you did Corroded Screw."  
  
Duo shrugged his shoulders. "Sounds reasonable." Tobit then glanced at the front door. "They're here!!!" He hissed and ran off to the back of the house, and just as soon as he was out of sight, the door bust open, and old people poured into the room. "Where'es the grocery store? We can't find the grocery store! We're so hungry!" One old woman shrieked at them. "What the hell?!" Heero shouted glancing from one old person to the next. "What do they want?" Then Kendra, Bobby's aunt, ran into the room. "The grocery store's THAT WAY!" She told them, pointing out the nearest window.  
  
The old people bowed before Kendra's great grocery store knowledge, and then left in search of the grocery store. "Uh... That was... Odd." Quatre remarked. "Yeah... They do that every time the grocery store moves." Bobby responded. "Ya get used to it after a while." Kendra raised an eyebrow at the gundam pilots. "Those are those guys you think are cute, huh." Kendra pointed at Heero. "He doesn't even have no butt!" Bobby glared at her, told her he'd make Trowa show her his clown costume if she didn't leave them alone, and she promptly ran from the room.  
  
Bobby grinned. "She's afraid of clowns." Bobbythen began to pace. "Hmmm... If I plan this, it could fail like my plans usually do... So..." Bobby ran to his bedroom, dug through the drawers under his bed, and found the handcuffs he had gotten from his friend Jason. He hid them behind his back, ran back to the living room, and quickly handcuffed himself to Duo. "So there. That'll do instead." Duo blinked, looked from the handcuffs to Bobby, and blushed when it all sank in.  
  
Tobit ran back into the room and hopped onto the table again. "Haha! Oh, wait, I can't tell you yet... And I don't want to tell you yet, anyways. Anyways... Mary Chapin Carpenter will be stopping by shortly." Quatre's jaw dropped. "THE Mary Chapin Carpenter??? She's great! Her songs... She's really going to be here?" Tobit snickered. "Yes. And wont she be eager to talk with you when she finds out you've been talking to a cat..."  
  
Mary knocked, opened the door, and walked inside. "Um... You people are talking to a cat... ALl six of you... Well... I take my chances. So, what's going on here?" She spotted Duo, and nodded her head. "Oh. You. You're looking for someone very close to you." Duo nodded his head. "My family." Mary raised an eyebrow and sat down on the arm of the couch. "Not the entire family, just one member... Unless you've got some kinda really screwed up family."  
  
Duo seemed rather confused at her comment, and Tobit saw that it was good. "Good... You've done your job, Mary, you can leave now." Mary nodded her head and walked out the door. "Well... I don't see how that helped any..." Duo muttered. "But whatever..." Tobit an off, leaving them to their own devices once again. "Uh... By the way... The handcuffs thing... And your aunt said you thought we were cute... Should I take all that to mean ya like me?" Duo snickered. "Yup." Was the answer he got.  
  
Duo looked at the other pilots. "Well... I'll make you a deal. So far I like you, and I want this done, so... Two birds with one stone, right? If you can prove that Quatre is gay, I'll agree to whatever you want. Within boundaries." Bobby took off the handcuffs. "If I prove that Quatre's gay, you hafta be my boyfriend." Duo grinned. "Works for me. And it is your fic, anyways, so why not." Bobby jumped to his feet, ran to Trowa, and ripped Trowa's pants off.  
  
Trowa attemped to cove the fact that he had decided against wearing anything under his pants that day, but before he could, the proof that Duo wanted was visible through Quatre's pants. "Voila. Mission accomplished." Heero glared at Bobby. "That's my line!" Bobby shrugged his shoulders. "I'll let you have it back if you promise to have a threesome or two or many more with Duo an' me." Heero thought it over, and then rejected the offer. "Just 'cause this is your fic doesn't mean you can turn it into one big orgy."  
  
Tobit ran back into the room and hopped onto the table. "Tell me you didn't agree to be his boyfriend..." Tobit pleaded with Duo. "Well, I could say that, but I don't lie." Tobit sighed. "Well, that spoils all my plans. But then, this could be fun... Want to know who your family is?" Duo nodded his head. "Well... If it helps you figure things out any, you were handcuffed to your brother a minute ago." Jaws dropped, eyes went wide, and Bobby realized that his mother hadn't been kidding when she'd said she had had another kid she'd lost in his closet.  
  
Tobit snickered, stood up straight, and then crumbled to dust. Bobby's mom had run into the room in time to hear Tobit say that Duo had agreed to be Bobby's boyfiend, and then to see the cat crumble into dust, and as a result she had a panic attack and took a xanax. "Well... This has turned out to be a very not normal day..." Bobby muttered. "Just remember, no deals made with me can be broken." Duo blinked once, then twice, then a third time. "What? But... That's..." Duo thought for a minute, and then shrugged his shoulders. "Why not. I've been chased by a guy who calls himself Corroded Screw, been yelled at by a monkey doctor, witnessed old people invading looking for the grocery store, glimpsed Trowa naked from the waist down, and seen a cat talk and crumble to dust... Why not make this the least sane day ever?"  
  
Bobby grinned. "Good. Then now we can move on to chapter two..." Heero stepped in front of Bobby. "Chapter two? Nobody told me there were going to be two chapters. "If I have my way, there will be more than two." Bobby informed the spandex-clad pilot. "But... NO! What more can you possibly do to us??" Bobby grinned. "What more CAN I do, or what more WILL I do? Actually... Now that you brought that to my attention, I just might do all kinds of absurd things to you." Quatre groaned. "Hey, don't worry, nothing TOO bad." Quatre shook his head. "That's not why I'm groaning like this." Then everyone noticed Quatre's pants were gone, and he was sitting on Trowa's lap.  
  
"Oh... Okay, then." Bobby turned to face Duo again. "Come, Duo, we must prepare for tomorrow night!" "Why, Bobby, what're we gonna do tomorrow night?" "The same thing we're going to do tonight, Duo. We're going to make like bunnies and fuck."  
  
To be continued?? 


End file.
